*Tap Tap Tap*
My nails drummed on the keyboard. Fingers hovering over letters, itching to form the words that floated around my foggy brain. The room blurred as my eyes began swimming with tears. “No,” I whispered to myself, gulping and turning my head to the ceiling, blinking quickly in an attempt to stop myself from crying. Sometimes, if I was lucky, half a sentence would be slowly typed out over the period of an hour; other times I would just sigh and close the laptop, laying back on my mound of pillows, engulfed in a duvet and a couple dozen blankets.
It’s amazing how quickly your life can change. One minute you have a house, a job, a partner; the next you’re packing your bags and heading into the world without a plan. While I’m a fairly unorganised person, I love to plan things. I feel so much panic when I don’t know what is going on for the next year, let alone a week or even a month! A lot of people have been telling me that I’m lucky I know what I’m doing and about how jealous they are of my “plans”. The truth is, I’m completely and utterly terrified and the main reason I’m “running off” is because I don’t know what I want!
I’ve always felt like there’s more to life than what I, and the people around me, have been living. I don’t really know if it’s a depression thing or an I’ve-Seen-Too-Many-Inspirational-Movies kind of thing. But it’s something I’ve been living with my whole life and it’s something I want to stop. I need to know what it is I want to do with myself; because feeling like I’m missing out on something, or that I’m constantly chasing something that doesn’t exist, is something that is almost literally killing me.
I had so many plans for this blog and my writing in November from NaNoWriMo to “22 Things I’ve Learnt In 22 Years” (which I will write eventually I promise!) but I’ve really needed to just step away from everything for a bit and work out what my next move is (which may or may not have included drunkenly booking a solo trip to Copenhagen at the beginning of January!)
I’m sorry for skipping out on November. It was supposed to be a really productive month I swear! Sometimes though, I think we just have to tug the reins of life and change direction because otherwise, we’ll just keep going round in circles.
Stay golden guys!